Written in October 2016 - January 2017
It was a common Christmas Eve party at abuela Tita's house and I came at morning, 5 hours early so my mom could help abuela spice the lechón with the special recipe that has been with us for generations.
Normally, I don't help much in the spicing; I just sit on the couch of the living room looking at the meme's that are viral on facebook; like they're funny I giggle slyly so nobody hears me; but abuela stares at me and teasingly says:
- 'Mija... ¿Y el pretendiente? -
- I wish I could know where it is, abue'. - With a little giggle I looked at her.
- So, you're thinking to stay there, the rest of the day...-
When I was starting to process the idea of getting up and see if I could help abuelo in the decoration, grandma finishes her sentence.
- Without eating?!? Here, here take this galletitas so you don't starve all day. -
Caressing my hair sweetly she went back to the kitchen to continue preparing the food for the party.
She didn't even let me answer... I think she has superpowers to identify when I'm hungry...
A few hours later after the party started, I was sitting in a chair on the side of the table with all the snacks. That is where all the action happens.
Pretty Clever!
It was just me, stuck in the chair eating sandwichitos de mezcla while the whole family was on the tables gossiping and talking about Fatmagül or whatever it was. Don't get me wrong I'm not anti-social, I'm just waiting for my cousin Alejandro. He is always the soul of the party and when we get together we're unstoppable!
When I was biting another sandwichito I suddenly heard a familiar shout.
- ¡Estamo' activau'! -
Along him everybody shouted feeling the party animal spirit getting into them.
I had to chew the sandwich as fast as I could 'cause I knew the drama that will come.
3. 2. 1. Action!
Alex (as we call him) was getting near, so I stand up and put on my "drama pants".
-¡'Achooo panaaa! ¿Quej la que? - I said with all the swag I could have.
- ¡Bien durooo! Plo plo plo plooo... - Doing the sound of a gun, with the same swag he does the dab to look cool.
- Dude, why the dab?-
- Because I feel like it... - he answered carelessly.
- Okay, whatever! Let's just stop with this ridiculousness because I'm starting to feel a little too yal. - I said simulating nauseas
- ¡Ay ya! ¡No me chaves! ¡La más guaynabita! -
With a quick laughter I followed him to say hi to grandma that was in the kitchen as normal.
- ¡Abuela! How ya doing? - Talking loudly Alex dragged the attention of abuela and the rest of the aunts in the kitchen.
- Oh my! Look who's here! Alejandro! Alejandro, Alejandro. Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandrooo...-
Singing the Lady Gaga song, we all started to laugh except for Alex that looked grumpy... I can't blame him 'cause that's the only way new people remember his name... But to be honest... That's what it makes it so hilarious! But I'm pretty sure it was my grandma's dance while singing the song, what made it so funny.
My grandma is the coolest!
- Awww, grandma! - He hugged her with all the love he could give.
- ¡Lambeojo! - I pretended to cough and some aunts were laughing in the back.
- Awww... - grandma hugged him back looking like she was enjoying the cuddle.
But three seconds later her cute cuddly grandma face gave turned into a threatening serious one.
- Alex, what do you want? Here, take this twenty bucks and get out of my sight. - She said slyly passing a one dollar bill.
She was an actress back in the days, so she was totally not meaning it. Except for the fact that he always peaks at the cuerito without grandma noticing, and when she does, it's too late... He already ate it.
- Uhmm... that's only one dollar... - I whispered at her ear, trying to keep the act as much as possible.
- Shhh... He doesn't need to know that... - She winks at me teasingly.
My aunts who were still in the kitchen laughed as they heard how the conversation went.
- Yeah... they kind of laugh like turkeys... - Alex says making the aunts laugh even more.
Few of them started saying that they wanted to pee. You know... puertorican vulgar phrases...
- Anyways... - Alex went back to the drama scene. - I'm not interested in your money... Keep that for uncle's bread... - With his mysterious look I joined the scene.
- Then what is it, Alex? -
- All I want for Christmaaaass is foooood! - He sings Mariah Carey's song misspelled - I want some of that delicious looking cuerito... - Alex gives a devilish look.
Laughing, grandma pat his shoulder and says - Okay, let's just drop the act... -
- So, you are actually giving me cuerito? - He says excited.
- ¡Estarás tu loco! With The López in this party, everything has to be perfect! - She says racing her fist with power.
- Oh yeah! I remember The López family is your archenemy. - I said while grandma was nodded.
- Well is not my fault that they all have tried to steal my recipe... - She said crossing her arms.
- She has a point... - Alex said chewing something.
- Alejandro... What are you doing? - She said looking at him serious, but this time she wasn't acting.
- Eating... - He said a little shy seeing his grandma like that.
- What. are. you. eating? - Grandma said looking mad, or rather say, very scary.
- Cuerito... - he said in a low voice scared of the chancla.
- Mira Alejandro Miguel Álvarez Rivera, get out of here before the negra inside me comes out. You hear me? -
- I heard you clearly... C'mon Stephanie let's go. - Alex said dragging me out of the kitchen.
As I walked towards the tables I saw a familiar figure that seemed to be our cousin who moved to the United States to study.
- Alex! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? That Maya is here! She's actually here! -
- Maya? But she was in the U.S. with the gringuitos esos... Wait! I just saw her! -
We were very excited to see her; so we just ran to her to say hello.
But when we got closer, Alex and I noticed another person that was very unfamiliar and before we could say anything to each other, Maya spoke.
- Oh my God! Stephanie, Alex, you two have grown so much! - getting closer she hugged us warmly.
- Thanks! But is so great to see you again. - I said while Alex nodded and she let us go.
- Oh! I almost forgot this is my boyfriend, Clark. I met him at the university. - She pointed at the stranger that was seated next to her chair.
I politely smiled and wave my hand, but you know how Alex is...
- Eahh! She got herself a gringo. Very convenient... - Alex pretended to brush his invisible beard and then we all laugh.
- It seems you are the same sin vergüenza you where as a kid... - Maya said rolling her eyes with a quick laugh.
- Hey Maya! I noticed that your accent has changed a lot. - I pointed as she nodded in agreement.
- Hmm... La mancha e' platano is getting off. -
- Alex, Shut up! - Saying this, Alex started laughing teasingly.
- Ja, ja! Well, that's true. It's because I've been over four years speaking Spanglish. - Maya says laughing. - Also that is because Clark only speaks English. -
- Ohh... let me try... Hello, my name is Alejandro, and pollito, chicken, gallina, hen, lápiz, pencil y pluma, pen. - Alex tried speaking English and with a little innocent smile we all laughed, even him.
-"Ha, Ha, Ha, nice to meet you I'm Clark."- Clark said in his American accent extending his arm to shake Alex's.
- Oh Cool! Your name is like the one from Superman.- I said while Clark laughed and nodded.
Some other cousin's joined and we all started talking and making cool conversations in both languages. But, after a while I received a message in my phone.
"robin te envió un mensaje."
That was Alex who sent the message, and when he does that is because he's bored. But that was weird since he was looking like he was having fun. Even though he went for a moment to get some refresco... Anyways, I'm going to open it.
robin: ¡Emergenciaaaaa! 😣😣😣
batmanrulez: What happened??? I thought you were having fun😕
Typing...
Typing...
robin: I aaaammmm!!! But I'm telling youuu is woooorrsssst than not having fuuuunnn!!!😱😱😱😱
Okay... That's weirder! Alex is the king of fun, and he's saying that? Now that's weird!
robin: HELP!!! It's a life or death matter!!!😖😖😖😦😦😦😦
batmanrulez: Dude!!! You're freaking me OUT!!!😡 SPEAK!!!
Typing...
Typing...
Typing...
robin: Abuela's lechón disappeared!!!😭😭😭😭
What does he mean? He is freaking me out!
batmanrulez: Is this one of your jokes? Is NOT funny😒
Typing...
Typing...
robin: NO!!! It's NOT a joke!!!
batmanrulez: Alex, that's not very convincing...😑😑😑
Typing...
Typing...
robin: STEPHANIEEE I'm telling you, titi Lorena send me a message!!!😲 LOOK.
[[Screen Shot:
Titi Lore: Hey, go and get your cousin and see if you can try and find out what happened with the lechón! No one knows what happened!!!
Alex: WHAAAAAAT😲😲😲
Titi Lore: Can you believe that the lechón dissapeared?! Your grandma is going to get a heart attack if it doesn't appeared!!
Alex: Eahh😦😦😦]]
batmanrulez: Alex! This just can't be!!!
robin: I know right!!!😭😭😭
batmanrulez: Does anybody else know about this?
Typing...
Typing...
robin: Only the aunts that where in the kitchen...
batmanrulez: Hmmm... Fine! I'll help... Meet me at the dog house and bring my super suit😜
robin: We are talking about food!!! It's not a joke!!!😡 But fine I'll be there...
When I arrived Alex wasn't there yet so I had to wait for a little while. I got tired of waiting so I sat in the roof of the little dog house.
What is this? I feel some kind of rock in the floor... But, is a little more squishy and large...
I turned on the flashlight in my phone to check out what was it. When I observed the mysterious object it wasn't a rock... It was an eaten... lechón?!
- Hey! I brought your super suit... What are you staring at? - Walking in my direction Alex brought a batman jacket and then surprised, he said. - ¡Ay Virgen Santa! Did they killed someone?! -
- No, stupid! This was supposed to be our Christmas lechón... - pointing at the "crime scene" with my phone's flashlight, I took my jacket.
- Ohh... Cool! This was faster than I thought! -
- Of course not! Now we need to find out who did this? -
- Lame! But okay, let's do this! -
I took few pictures of the place and then we went to the dining room which is normally empty or filled with kids under fiver years old running around during a party.
- Okay... Next step is to interview the witnesses. - Taking a seat in the dining room I took my phone out to take some notes.
- Done! I didn't took my time to get to the dog house for nothing. - He said with a proud smile.
- Wow! Did you for any chance checked the security video? -
- Hmmm... Nop! -
- Ahhh... I had my hopes... - Laughing, Alex took his phone out to dictate me his notes.
- Okay, let's get down to business... Witness number one! Titi Fela; didn't saw much, she was just decorating la ensalada de papa. You know how perfectionist she is... -
- What figure did she made? I remember last year she made a candy cane with pimiento morrón. -
- Oh yeah! She made a snowman. She used bacon bits for the mouth. It looks so cool! -
- Awesome! I helped her out cutting the vegetables for the ensalada and ask her a few times, but she didn't wanted to spoil the surprise... -
- 'Ditoo... Whatever! We're spacing out... Witness number two! Titi Marta; from everything out of the subject that she told me, titi Marta said that she saw one López coming in an out from the bathroom. She said that he looked suspicious so she stared at him threateningly. Tití was about to beat him up, but sadly, as she said, he stopped coming. -
I startedlaughing uncontrolably, but Alex couldn't understand why was I laughing.
- That isn't very suspicious to me... Maybe he had a potty emergency! - I burst into laughter. -Sorry! It's just the mental picture... It's hilarious! -
- Stephanie, please! Tití told me that he was looking at the lechón oddly interested... Not also that, but they had been trying to steal it for more than 40 years! -
- Okay, okay, whatever! -
- Hmm... - Alex rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. - Witness number three! Titi Margot; She actually said interesting facts... Tití, saw Clark and abuela speaking alone, and it was a little weird because they both look concerned but a few seconds later they looked completely normal, so she ignored them thinking that it might be the typical grandma speech that they always give when one of their grandchild comes to their house con un amiguito. -
- Yeah... That's so abuela...- I said giggling for a second.
- Stephanie, let me finish! -
- Okay, okay... Don't get mad... -Saying this, Alex clears his throat.
- Oh God! Now I don't know where was I... Oh! Here it is! Bla bla... mashed potatoes... Bla bla bla... arroz con gandules... Bingo! She said that a few minutes later she saw Clark going awkwardly, trying to make sure nobody was looking at him, to the back door with a trash bag... Maybe he was just embarrassed to take out the trash."-
- Yeah... Totally not suspicious... - I said sarcastically. - And what about titi Lore? Did she saw anything interesting? -
- Nop! She just went back to the kitchen to pick up the catering, when Bam! The lechón was gone... -
- Oh! Weird... Well then, let's go to step two! Research for extra info! -
- I think that's step 3 because step 1 should've been pick up the evidence, which is investigate the crime scene... By the way, why did you took the pictures of the lechón? -
- To grab up some evidence... Like footprints? - I said starting to doubt the idea of the pictures.
- Very clever, Steph! Oh look! Let's go and check everybody's foot print and see who's guilty! - Alex made fun of me in a sarcastic tone.
- Whatever! Let's just go see the footage... - getting up from the chair we moved to abuelo's office.
- I still think I'm hilarious! - He said walking through the hallway.
- You sometimes don't make much sense. -
- So? -
- Augh! Whatever... Let's just check the video cam and let's go. Okay? -
- Yeah, yeah... We're here already. - opening the door we see our cousin's playing Minecraft in the computer of the room. In panic, Alex closes the door. - Great! We have three crazy gamers going through the dragon's gate... How are we supposed to enter there? -
- Easy! We open the door and just go with the flow... I got this! -
- That's what I'm afraid of... - Opening the door again, we moved to the room and felt three threatening stressed gazes.
- Hey guys! What'cha doin'? - Been ignored by the three nerds I directly said - I need the computer... Like for now. -
- When we finish... - You could feel the heavy breathing made by the stress that they had.
- You guys care about food... Right? -
- What kind of weird question is this? We don't have time for that... - my cousin Marcos said instantly ignoring me again.
- So, you don't care that the lechón of abuela is gone and we're trying to figure who did it? -
- What?! - They all said in unison. - At least let us finish! -
- That is surely going to take a while... -
- Probably... - They went back to their concentrated selves.
- I wanna try! Move. -
- What? No! - Marcos said getting into the virtual cave of the game.
- Move, now! - I looked at them talking seriously.
- No! No way! -
- Sorry! - I pushed him a little so I could force him to move and seat quickly.
- Oh no! Here comes the dragon... - Said Luis starting panic.
- Yeah! - I went to a corner of the virtual cave and started clicking randomly at the potions.
- Stephanie! What are you doing?!? - Marcos said panicking.
After almost using all the potions to enchant my weapon I finally went to face the dragon...
- Oh no! We're doomed... -Samuel, the silent one, said accepting their defeat.
- You three shut up, okay?! - I said aiming exactly at the dragon's eye with an enchanted bow and arrow. - I have no idea what am I doing right now! - shooting the arrow, I covered my eyes avoiding the epic fail that was about to happen.
After a second of silence, Luis breaks it saying:
- I can't believe this... She actually did it... -
- Wait what?!? I killed it? I actually killed it?!? - Almost screaming in surprise, I started laughing.
- This is a miracle! It's literally a miracle! - Alex (who didn't spoke a word while in there) burst into laughter, making me laugh harder.
- Okay, Okay, you won, whatever... Let me just save the game and we're out of here... - leaning over to the desk, Marcos grabbed the computer mouse.
- Hey, Marcos... Make sure to be careful with the... Zombies... - Taking a deep breath of defeat, Samuel looks at the screen message that said: "You died!"
- Oh C'mon! - Marcos shouted in frustration. - Let's just get out of here! - He said opening the door and getting out of the room with the other two.
After they closed the door, Alex took control of the desk chair:
-Damn, I feel kinda bad for them...- He said stretching his arms, and getting into abuelo's security records; which was a piece of cake for Alex, since he was the one to configure the account. - I really don't know what surprised them the most. How fast you could kill the dragon or that a newbie was the one to kill the dragon? -
- ¡Ay bendito, tú no lo superas! - I said mocking him a little. - So, did you finish setting up? -
- Yeah, yeah, I finished. - he says rolling his silly eyes.
- Well then, let's watch it. -
- Wait! We can't watch it until we make bets! -
- Bets? What? No, that's just silly... - I laughed ignoring what he just said, but then turned serious. - Okay, let's do this! -
- Yey! Then let's place our bets. - He said kind of excited and triggered at the same time. - I bet that the one who did it HAS to be a López. -
- Ja-Ja! Good luck with that! Because I bet that it was Clark. - I said with all the pride I could afford.
- I don't think so... He couldn't risk his family reputation that badly... -
- The moment of truth has finally arrived! We'll find out who really did this in the next chapter... See you next time in Conspiracies of a Lechón Asa'o! - I simulated a radio speaker voice.
- Stephanie, you can't be serious... Just let me put it already! - Alex looked at me a little annoyed.
- Okay, okay, sorry Mr. Drama Llama. - I said sarcastically.
After we started watching the security video of the place that we found the lechón, nothing was happening so we started getting bored.
- Oh, give me that! - Taking the mouse I tried skipping the video at the time that happen the crime. - It happen at this hour más o menos... bip bup bap... Done! -
Images started to appear. My abuela's cute dog, which is a mix between Sato and gran Dané, was resting in his dog house, when suddenly a human figure appeared.
- I can't see who this person is...- I went closer to see who it was.
- It must be a López! -
- Alex, shut up! - Zooming the image I recognize who this person is. - No way! IT'S CLARK! -
Alex and I looked at each other surprised.
- WHAT?!? -
My grandpa had this big sunglasses in the room so I put them on accompanying the popular song Turn Down for What, that I had it prepared just in case I won... And I did.
- I told you so... I love saying that! - feeling proud of myself, I stopped the song and took off the sunglasses.
- Fine... You were right, I was wrong... Boo Hoo... - Annoyed, he rolled his eyes. - But, what happens next? He's maybe going to play with the dog... Wait... He has a large trash bag... -
- Oh... This gets more interesting... He's opening the bag... Laying it down... Shaking it to let go the "cargo"... And now the dog is sniffing this cargo that looks kinda familiar... -
- It looks like... - Alex focused his eyes to notice what this cargo was. - The lechón! So it was really him... - Surprisingly, he looked quite disappointed.
- It was him! I knew it! I knew it! I KNEW it! And now I have proof! - Feeling proud of myself I gave a quick celebration for my success. - I have to go and tell abuela! - I walk outside the room so I could tell abuela that the mystery of the lechón has been cleared.
- Stephanie! I don't think that's a good... idea! - He tried to stop me but it was too late.
I was already in my way to the living room, where I heard my grandma speaking with my aunts. It wasn't a big house but it did had a big finca, so it was pretty easy to get there.
-"I know who took the lechón! It was Clark!"- I appeared randomly in the living room saying this confidently, until I noticed that everybody was eating... And it smell like lechón? Plus, in the room Maya and Clark where there too... I suddenly freeze.
- Oh wow... - When Alex arrived it also took him by surprise, but the awkwardness was still in the air. - It was Clark Kent, most known as Superman, the culprit for taking Stephanie's food... Such a sick crime...- With a telenovela voice he saved the environment and everybody started to laugh.
- And where does this randomness came from? - Maya said laughing a little.
- Uhh... Well... We were watching a parody of Batman Vs Superman, then we saw this scene and I kinda had the crazy idea of doing it, but when I saw so many people in the living room I paralyzed... Je-je... - I lied awkwardly.
Surprisingly, the people that were there believed me and laughed sympathetically.
- Well then my little super hero detectives let me get you something to eat, follow me. - The environment from the living room went back to normal, and abuela stood up and we followed her to the kitchen where she'll serve us food.
Arriving to the kitchen, nobody was there so I was going to say something but grandma spoke first:
- Didn't your parents taught you that lying is bad, young lady? -
- Sorry, I needed to save the moment and not kill it with more awkwardness... - I looked down ashamed. - Anyways... What happened with the lechón that disappeared and then suddenly reappeared? -
- Oh... Yeah... Ay 'mija don't worry about it! I had that planned all along. - Abuela said carelessly.
- WHAT?! - I said it in unison with Alex that was serving food on a plate for him to eat.
- It was a minor prank, nothing serious... That was only so the López could get a little pride... That's it...- She was scratching her neck and avoiding the eye contact, making me know that she was lying.
- Grandma... Tell me what happened, really... -
- Well... The first lechón that I made got a little burned, so... I asked Clark to take it away... Good thing I always prepare an extra lechón... - Abuela looks down ashamed of what happened. - I just want it to be perfect... -
- Awww... Abuela... Don't worry about it ¡Vamo'apapacharte un poquito! - I gave her a nice warm hug.
- Now who's the lambeojo? - Alex crossed his arms with sass.
- Well, at least she doesn't asks something in exchange. - Abuela tells him with more sass.
- Actually... I was wondering if you could get me some food... -
- Oh yeah, no problem! It's right over there. - She pointed at the food catering with a sarcastic tone, leaving the room.
After I served myself some delicious food, I went to the living room and sat next to Alejandro. The party started to fade, since surprisingly, it took us a little while to kill the dragon. I was with my cousins (Maya and Clark included) talking and making fun of each other like normal family conversations. Until Clark went to the bathroom and came back all sweaty and nervous. We were trying to ask him what happened but he always answered that it was nothing. All of us got worried and let's not talk about Maya; she was worried sick.
I thought it might have been for what happened earlier so I told him:
-"Hey! If it was because of the lechón don't worry about it... Abuela's Alzheimer is making her forget some stuf- "- Clark interrupts me before I end my sentence.
-"No, no! It's not that! Maya... told me everything. So, don't worry it's nothing..."- He clarified, getting blushed when saying his girlfriend's name.
-"Then what is it, darling?"- Maya looks at him worried.
-"No, it's nothing buttercup!"- He stood up to caress her chin. -"Oh my, look at that! My shoe is untied!"- Kneeling down he took something from inside his shoe.
Just for the record, his "shoe" wasn't untied; it was perfectly tied... Wait a minute! Is he about to... Nah... Is he?!
Taking a deep breath, Clark opened a small box showing it to Maya with something that resembled a ring inside.
-"You are the only kryptonite that can keep me safe... Will you do me the honor to accompany me for the rest of your days?"- With his hands shaking and sweating he took her hand.
-"Yes! Yes! I will!"- She hugged him and kissed him very excitedly for the news.
All my cousin's where shouting and applauding some of them were even crying (counting Alejandro, je-je...). Like we were doing an alboroto, abuela came up to see what was happening and when they told her, she started crying, so the couple hugged her to calm her down. Later, the whole family knew (rather say, the ones who remain in the house) and it turned into a party that lasted until 4 am.
Tonight I learned a lot, the best Christmas parties of the world are in Puerto Rico (No doubt they're the longest). Perhaps in the future I might end up working for the FBI because I'm a pretty good detective at just sixteen. Don't judge someone just because your grandma hates the whole family, perhaps they had digestive problems and needed a constant visit to the toilet. Everything has it reasons, and just because your cousin's boyfriend took the most important meal of the year and throw it to the dog (which is an insult), that doesn't means it was because he had an evil plan to destroy the family's reputation. Learn how to comprehend others, especially crazy gamers, don't push them too hard so you can use their computer, you don't know the big stress that they can be facing, Marcos almost killed me with his mad gaze... Oh! And by the way, miracles DO exist. Have a little more imagination then Clark proposing to Maya, 'cause that was such a cliché... Who am I kidding? That was so cute! When Alejandro came late to the dog house, he wasn't just interviewing my aunts, but also dancing the Shaky, Shaky of Daddy Yankee.
P. S. Abuela dances way better than him, je,je... Oh! Before I forget.
And not least but last; Los sandwichitos de mezcla with cupcake frosting tastes delicious... Surprisingly, it does...
It was such a fun night, full of adventure, mystery, excitement, stress, laughter's and even two love birds are about to be together for the rest of their lives. But will this be the ending of my story or is it just the beginning of a new adventure? You'll never know! Because I was just kidding! Happy April fool's! Wait! We are on December, not April... Never mind... I'll just start walking away like this never happened... The end, but is not the end yet, but it IS the end...
- Stephanie! Just end it already! - My inner Alex yelled at me.
- Okay, okay... Don't get mad at me... -
THE END.
Throwback to 2016 when I wrote this lovely story, I had to do some heavy editing but it is amazing to see how much my writing style has changed since. If you notice a lot of Spanish is thanks to my 10th grade teacher Mrs. Muñiz who motivated me to create this story, embracing my culture and sharing it with others. Also thank you for the fact that learning English is not meant to adopt a new culture that is not ours but it is meant to learn a new language while keeping our wonderful culture. That is why I wrote Conspiracies of a Lechón Asa'o.
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